My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?