A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
😂😂😂
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.