Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You Might Also Like
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist