My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.