Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”