2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed