If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
LOOOOOOL
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.