I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*gets down on one knee*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Always a metermaid never a meter
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming