The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )