[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.