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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
she has a point
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
See..?
.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Netflix: We have Less
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.