I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me