Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.