I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
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Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.