“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”