BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
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America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
The only good comments section online is on recipes
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.