I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
You Might Also Like
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Morning.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Education is vital
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena