“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.