This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Current mood: Potato
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Every haunted house movie:
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I think I’m having a stroke
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears