Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I think the cat got the dog high.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen