I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I can also cook 😂
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
#Thanos #MondayMood
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.