My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
sleeping beauty
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Sorry not sorry.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Midwest trash talk
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.