A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.