nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Coffee for people with no kids
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
mechanics be like
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”