When you “pspspsp” too hard
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.