Tech Twitter in a nutshell πππ
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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Mornin
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, donβt ask which one were they.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…Thatβs definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled βyourβ wrong.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: Weβll see about that.
3: I know whatβs keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldnβt be able to fix
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: Letβs start a mom and daughter journal!
12: Itβs called texting.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Sitting on airplaneβ¦. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
This story is comedy gold π
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If youβre in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, youβre the manager