Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.