Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
who wore it better?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.