i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously