Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae