When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.