Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
This is true.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good