The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo