Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
You Might Also Like
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
channeling her this year
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…