[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti