All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.