You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
You Might Also Like
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs