Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.