[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?