Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
This is sending me to another galaxy
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.