So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do