“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
🤣dope
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has