s
oc
i
a
l
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.