Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…