I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.