If you breakdance you buy dance.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
This is why I hate group projects
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Erm I’m gonna say no
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️