FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You Might Also Like
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?