Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Saw your ex at the shops
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.