Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Botany good plants lately?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
🤔😂😂
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve had relationships like this
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
work smarter, not harder
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
No regrets in 2018
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway