Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My what?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.